Forgiving a Narcissist- The Hardest Thing I Ever Did (reader discretion and compassion is advised)

As I navigate my healing journey and all that I left behind, I have navigated a lot. I navigated my adoption journey and the grief and identity crisis that came with it. I navigated two assaults from men on me between 2014 and 2017 that changed my life and distorted my perception of trust and safety. I navigated my flaws, insecurities and weaknesses and took accountability for my life, the good and the not so good. But I can say with a heavy heart and a broken heart, navigating forgiving a narcissist who has been in my life since I was 5, was something I pushed to the side and since I have decided to face it, it was the hardest and still is the hardest thing for me to truly see for what it was and not what my rose colored glasses tried to see.

I feel that writing is what helps me fully release the grief, trauma, and pain associated with him. I am choosing not to identify who he is because he no longer has power over me and quite frankly he doesn't deserve to be mentioned. I am a big believer in the power of words, energy and love and how that can shape my reality and life. I also am a big believer in my soul contract and trust that he was a part of my journey for a reason, and I did what I had to do to break lifetimes of cycles.

I write this with the full intent of forgiving him to allow myself to move forward. My forgiveness does not mean I am weak or will ever see that man again, he will never lay eyes on me again or be able to manipulate and hurt me. My forgiveness is for me, and it is to show my strength and power to the rest of the world that when you forgive, that is how you set yourself free. This is how I set myself free from him.

Reader discretion is advised as I will share some details of my past that I feel deeply in me, things I need to honor and events that I need to both face and let go. I intend to write this to fully release the pains and traumas from that man, to write it in a kind and forgiving way but also a very direct and brave way, as I navigate the why behind it and what it taught me.

I have gone head first back to childhood on why I am the way I am. Why I had attachments, fear, anxiety, depression, and the strong need to people please. It is my souls journey to meet who I’ve met and figure it out, I feel that I have done that with respect to many things but I have avoided the topic of the Narcissist until I got away.

When you’re wrapped up in an emotionally and psychologically abusive environment, you don’t realize how bad it is until you’re out. I didn’t know how bad it was for me until I left, and then it hit me. It hit me like a ton of rocks… I didn't know how to face it, I didn't want to face it. Until one day, I was triggered in our kitchen as I made lunch and I held my wrist and started to cry... I was home alone that week, so I texted my Mikey as I was figuring out what just hit me, so randomly... We navigated it together as I laid many times crying, not crying, speaking of it all to him and in those moments, as I told my truth I realized how f**ked up it was. How could this happen? Why did this happen? How am I still able to find the love and light in everything after all of it? Well, that is just my heart and this is just my story...

1. Throughout my life I have had a hard time wearing bracelets for too long. Hair tyes or anything on my wrist triggered me and I would need to take them off. When I moved I finally realized why, it was like something beyond my consciousness reminded me of what he did to me throughout my life. I was often treated like a servant, always told to get him food or water and ice, “ice up to here and water to here” as he pointed to the cup, making sure I did it perfectly. Did anyone else ever have to do this? No, just me. Did others notice this was happening, yes. Did anyone do anything to stop it? No. One person spoke up for me as a kid but it never stopped. I was his f*cking servant. After I would bring him his desired things he would use that opportunity to grab my wrist with his thumb and middle finger. He would wrap it tightly around my wrist but no not enough to “hurt me” or to leave a mark, but just enough to not let me go. If I tried to get away he would tighten his grip on my tiny wrist. He would then make a machine noise with his mouth as if it were a machine slowly loosening the grip on me and if I moved? He’d speed up the noise and grab me tighter. I would look to her and say “tell him to let me go” I would then be told “oh just relax and he’ll let you go…” “oh I’m not hurting you, don’t freak out…” . I was a kid, you don’t get to control me or hurt me or grab me anymore. It took me 20 years to be able to wear stuff on my wrist again. I had to teach myself how to let that go so I could be free from YOU. “Oh he’s just joking” “oh he wasn’t trying to hurt her”. "She's over reacting". It’s not a joke, it’s not funny. IT did hurt. It was a control tactic that kept going on until I was maybe 22 years old. There is a piece of me breaking as I write this as I realized just how F**KED it was. I can wear my Apple Watch again, I can wear bracelets all day. I calm my mind in the moment whenever I feel something and am reminded of your unwarranted grasp on me, because YOU don’t have that power over me anymore. I forgive you, for your grasp and control on me. I forgive you for your treating me like a servant. I forgive you for the hold you had on me. It is a reflection of the pain within you and I hope one day you are free of your pain to also forgive yourself. I hope one day you are able to reflect and “remember”, since I also get told "I don't remember that...". I hope one day you do remember this, but not to be hurt, I hope you remember this to heal the harshest parts of yourself that you projected on to me. I forgive you, but don’t get me wrong, you will still never see me again but I will always pray and hope for your healing.

2. We had two staircases growing up that were connected in the middle of the house. One went down to the living room and the other to the front door. I was so afraid of being ordered around by you I would try to sneak around on high alert with hyper anxiety to avoid you. But when you saw me, I was trapped. At the end of the day, it was “your house, your food, your money” and I had to do as I was told. But I was the only one running away from you, trying to avoid you. No one protected me from you, because, you’re just joking right? Or I owe you because it’s not my house or my money and I am the child, right? I see how controlling that is now and I thank you and forgive you for that experience because I hope my kids grow up with unconditional love. I didn’t choose this life, but you chose to be a provider, just you had conditions on it. It was never to give, but to control. I forgive you as I live a life of giving and loving without conditions, I thank you for teaching me the difference and the ability to now notice how toxic it is.

3. Car rides you would adjust the rear view mirror and stare me down. I get uncomfortable as an adult when people look at me for too long, feeling like I am being intimidated but really they aren’t, only you did that to me. I was a child, you would stare me down in the car when I couldn’t leave or move and had nowhere to run. If I reacted? Oh god forbid I react to you intimidating me through your stares. I would be told “Irma you’re over reacting he isn’t doing anything” and you would smirk and smile at me as you got away with it. You were a f***ing adult intimidating a child. How insecure and powerless did you need to feel to do that to me? Only to me. I was the subject of your abuse on so many accounts and no one else knew the depths of it until now. You despise me now because I am the only one who left and saw your abuse and manipulation and didn’t need anything from you. I want nothing from you. By all means I will create my own life free from you. “He’s just joking” “you’re too sensitive Irma”. I’m actually not, what you did to me wasn’t and isn’t okay. I forgive you though, and everyday I get more and more comfortable with making eye contact with others and I don’t have to look away. I feel more comfortable each day knowing no one else is staring at me to intimidate me, instead it is my light and my aura and my love that shines so bright I am attracting loving people into my life, since I set you free from my life. I can be looked at again. If you saw the way my love looked at me and for the first time in California I didn't hide my face or ask him to stop, I let him keep staring at me because I healed that piece of me. My love can look at me and I can feel love and no longer feel the fear you instilled in me from your stares. Something so small right? I did the work to figure it out and honestly now I welcome all the eye contact in the world, because I am free from you and I forgive you. Thank you for teaching me the kindness can be seen and come from the eyes and to know the difference between a kind look and one of ugliness. I am sorry you felt the need to intimidate me, I don't know all the ins and outs of your pain, but based on the projection I can only imagine it was as painful for you, as you put onto me. I do not wish that on anyone, not even you. I hope you heal.

4. Your money- keep it. You can’t buy me. You can’t throw money at things with conditions and expect me to want you in my life. What you can do is heal, heal from your traumas so you stop hurting innocent people. I do believe in my soul contract I chose to meet someone like you, so I could learn and I could break the cycle. So I did. I understand it’s triggering that you want to take credit for my success, after all you paid for my college and if I don’t live the rest of my life pleasing you for that, I’m ungrateful. I’m the most grateful child and person. I thanked you every year for the life I had, I gave and gave and gave, but I reached my limit. I did this. I finished school, I healed myself, I made deans list, I worked my ass off to be where I am. I thought that was just what you want for a kid, to be successful. But for you? For a narcissist, it is only to be an extension of yourself to fill your ego. I don’t live by ego, I live in love and truth. I thank you for where I am today, I am thankful for the life I got and what I turned it into but if I failed that wouldn’t be on you, that’s on me. My success is the same, that’s not on you, that’s on me. I thank you, I truly do. I am grateful for what I have and how I got here, but for once, just give me credit for how hard I worked to be here too.

5. Your nasty emails to me are what forced me to change all my emails, change my phone number, expedite my move across the country and never look back. When I do go back to Annapolis, I have my head on a swivel. I am anxious, I am tired, I am scared. On the roads I fear seeing your car or you. After all the research I did on narcissism I learned no contact is the only way to protect myself completely. I wrote to you about the pain, the assaults and loss I went through that you never knew about, how my adoption shaped me, the loss that came with it. Your response? You’re sorry for my trauma that led to my unhappiness, and then made the entire thing about you and turned all my trauma and loss into something about YOU. This is not about you, for once please let something be about me. After years of not being seen, heard, protected, I need this to be about me. So it is... Not once did you take accountability for how you played a part, the trauma from two assaults did not lead to my unhappiness, I am not unhappy. I chose love and happiness for myself, but the fact that I had to navigate it alone, sit in the ER alone and hear life changing news at 20 years old and I had no one to tell what truly happened to me until I did, I never got compassion, I never was told “I’m sorry” I never got a hug or acknowledgement on it, and I accepted it. I never should have been taken advantage of, had to hide it and take myself to the ER to face it alone. But I did. I should not have been blamed for a bigger and older man's attack on me, but I was. I should not have been silenced and ignored and victim blamed, but I was and at the time I accepted it. I am hyper independent because I didn’t have support in the most devastating times of my life. But… it’s not your fault. It’s on me to figure that out, I just thought maybe you’d care and want to protect me but that’s not feasible for a narcissist, because if it’s not about you then your ego is hit if someone else gets attention. I just wanted care and compassion. It took until I was 30 years old to finally let someone in on everything that happened to me, including what you did, and I still struggle putting into words how painful it was to lose everything, to you. But in return with great loss comes a greater gain. My freedom, my self love, my ability to forgive, I gained so much after I lost so much. The universe has seen how high I vibrate now that I am free from your toxic hold. I forgive you, you didn’t know. You did your best with what you were taught and again, I can only hope you heal. I send love to your higher self and I hope one day you can love yourself enough to not hurt others too. I was your supply but I’m not anymore. I forgive you for not being there when I needed someone, anyone. It wasn't just you who pushed me aside, and I know that. I navigated that and I take responsibility for life. But I am here now, 31 years old, re learning how to trust people and build friendships because I don't know what it means to have support or care or unconditional love. I am learning how to be loved and how to trust with thanks to my love, but that is not something I can say I got from you.

6. Your collapse. I saw it in my dreams, as I questioned if what I did was right. What will people think at our future wedding or engagement? When you’re not there and I have no one from my side there… what will people think after I openly share this trauma? I cried myself to sleep, I begged for someone to come hold me as I grieved the loss of 8 people at once. I heard of your collapse, all over town and I realized from what I learned, I was your narcissistic supply. Me leaving fully exposed you to everyone else. “Oh she’ll come back around” “this is just a phase” “she won’t move…” but I won’t be coming around, this isn’t a phase, and I did move. It was after my move that I saw you in dreams and it haunted me. I got signs from the universe to keep away, to stay far away from you as your collapse was destructive, mean, and your ego was exposed. I forgive you though because on a human level, I have to ask... why? Why did my leaving trigger such a dramatic collapse? Was it love? Was it care? or Was it the loss of control and supply... I'll never know but I hope you know, I do love you and I do care for your health and your future and I genuinely hope you find a way to heal. I have learned there is about a 5% a Narcissist can change, I hope with all the love in me, you can be a part of that 5%, to heal and to break cycles and live a loving and fulfilling life.

7. What I lost. Everything. I had to rid myself of an entire life I thought I would have. I had to be willing to let go of everything and go no contact with anyone associated with you. They will never know the full extent of why or maybe they do and just didn’t have to live through it like I did, but I did what I had to do to protect myself and I am okay with any judgement set upon me. I had to break free from you and I lost all of them to you. I lost weddings, holidays, futures, to you and your manipulation. I grieve that loss everyday and I second guess myself often but only those who understand the grasp of a narcissist understand this was all I could do to be free. Every article and every therapy session told me this was what I had to do. Even if they didn’t do anything, I know how you work, you will manipulate minds to get me back or try to make it seem as if you have changed. It has taken me a year to be able to forgive but not even I can say within a year I navigated all the trauma associated with this, you can't charm your way back into my life. You can heal though... You did it to someone else who also chose to leave years ago and I watched as I was told “remember to tell her how much nicer he is now”… to try to get her back into your life. I was a child and it was all a facade for you to gain control. She left in 2006ish, history repeats itself when you don’t break the cycle, heal, and move on. The difference is, I was willing to lose everything and you truly had zero power over me or anyone to reach me. Remember your apology when you compared me to an animal barking? Remember your threats on me? Remember when I didn’t play your game and you didn’t apologize you said “I don’t want to talk about whose right and whose wrong…” but you were wrong. I’m not your servant or an animal or someone who owes you anything… and that triggered you. I left and I lost everything while I gained a completely new life… but the hardest part of what I feel I lost to you, something that I have yet to fully grieve, is the loss of her. Grieving the loss of someone who’s still here has been beyond words of pain. She was everything to me. She was the one who chose me, who wanted me. She used to be there for me but your constant need for attention and reassurance couldn’t stand that she had other things to love and take care of. You needed all her love for yourself but that left me and others without her. Like a vampire you sucked all the life and love out of her, some of us could see it so clearly, I started to see it but it really hit me when I moved. You took her from all of us and I may be the only one to truly see that and maybe I am the only one brave enough to call you on it, but you did. I can’t blame you for that, at the end of the day we all chose our lives and I know she chose you over me. I didn’t ask her to choose because I knew I wouldn’t be chosen, it wasn’t a fair thing to ask her but deep down I felt that rejection heavy. She chose you over me and I have had to sit with that. I sit with that every night as I question what wedding dress shopping will be like, what my engagement will be like, what I will tell our future kids... I feel that grief heavy on not just that you took her from me but everything else I still have to look forward to that I can't share with her. You took me from her too...I don’t know what it’s like to have to be associated with you to the level she is, but I imagine that she would still love me and want me in her life if it weren’t for you. She was supposed to be the one I did everything with as I celebrated my future, but now I have been forced to look at life differently. I had to let her go, because of you. And I still cry for her. I never thought I’d forgive you for this, but I do. I have to forgive you for this because I have to move on. I have been told or given looks from others who may not understand my choice or cannot fathom what I had to do, to break free from you. Maybe I am judged for it. Maybe others cannot see why, but only I know the pain and trauma and PTSD I have from you. At the end of the day it is me waking up in the middle of the night to nightmares of you, it is me having to train myself to wear bracelets and be able to be looked at in the eyes. It is me who has to work on not flinching at the touch of my love. It is me who has to work on not jumping at the sight of someone around the corner because I still have fear and anxiety that I might see your face. What I can say, is I learned child abuse is never ok, emotional and psychological abuse is never ok, and I have had to swallow those words because I didn’t want to believe my younger self was subject to that, but from you I was. I learned that I can go to the grocery store here and the mall and not look over my shoulder because you’re not here. You can’t find me and I am protected. I fight my tears as I run because I can’t breathe, I felt like I was suffocating holding this in due to fear of judgement from the world. But guess what? No one is perfect, life is not perfect, I am not perfect but I am healing. Writing is my power and my gift and I choose to expose myself and you fully to be free from you. I forgive you and her. I have yet to fully process not having her in my life but I will get there one day. Maybe one day she will choose me. Maybe one day she will see what happened and want her irmy back, maybe one day she will cry for me the way I cry for her. Maybe one day she will find me and hug me and love me again. And maybe she won’t, maybe she can’t, and that’s okay. I think rejection is the core of my soul contract. I have to be willing to be rejected so that I know what it feels like to be accepted. I do forgive you and her. I’m sorry for your pain and I’m sorry if when I left it caused turmoil but maybe one day your higher self will tell your earth self, she broke the cycle and she set herself free.

8. It is all karma. This is my karma maybe from past lives and maybe I am karma for you too... I don't truly know. I trust my gut though and I trust all the signs I have gotten that I did the right thing. The universe sends me symbols and signs almost daily. When I almost caved, the universe literally hit me with a car, rear ended my car forcing me to move on... I get it. Before I moved, the universe was trying to keep me from you, so much so they stole my tires... Once I realized what was happening and started to listen, miracles happened. I had to break free from you. It is all karma. I feel that many lifetimes of work and healing led me to this body, this life, and this experience today and I simply would not be who I am if it were not for you. I am kind, I am loving, I am forgiving and I am a light in this world that cannot be dimmed by another. My light shines brighter than ever, I hope one day your healing happens and your light and truest self shines again too.

At the end of all of this, I have shed tears I have held in. I have allowed myself to feel this pain. Deep down I know it caused you and them pain when I left. They didn't deserve no explanation, I know that. But I deserved to stop explaining myself to those who choose to not understand and defend at every word of my experience. I have been through so much and I have also healed so much. Without this pain, I wouldn't know the happiness I feel so freely here. Without the experience of YOU, I would not know a toxic person when I saw them. Without you, I would not have educated myself and set myself free... I forgive you and I thank you for what you taught me. You cannot weaken me or destroy my peace because, I am me and I am free from you.

As I release all of this into the world, I want the world to know I know you are not all bad. You have a part of you that is hurting and needs love and care, but I cannot lose myself trying to be that for you. I know you are not all bad, I just cannot be the one to keep digging to find your good. I am tired of the manipulation, gas lighting and cruelty I experienced. I grew tired and reached my limits of being bullied, threatened, silenced and ignored. I chose me and because I chose me, I found and met others who choose and love me too. I also now feel I can fully give myself and my love to my Mikey, because I set myself free. I have had nightmares of you for a year, they slowly stopped and in the last few weeks you appeared in my dreams again, only this time it was different.

You appeared in my dreams remorseful for the first time. You appeared in my dreams sorry and sad at the realization of what you put me through and you were trying to make up for it. I shared this with Mikey, I told him you're now appearing remorseful and I don't know what that means. He asked me if it were like my other dreams, where I was seeing things as they happen, and if it were true would I let you back in my life. I said no... I hope you do the work to forgive and love yourself, don't do the work to get me back into your life. You do that for you. I trust the universe though, and I trust that maybe behind the scenes there is remorse and sorrow. But I do not wish to impose that sadness on anyone, the sadness I feel, the alone that I am in this, I do not wish that on anyone. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how this could have happened. I wonder if you look at pictures of me, my bright smile and my deep brown eyes and wonder, how could you let this happen? I hope you forgive yourself too, do not sit in sorrow at the loss of me and I will not sit in sorrow at the trauma and pain and loss of you and them

. We have a life to live, it is just not one I will live alongside you.

I do forgive you, all the details above are just my truth, my story, and what was once my reality that I broke free from. I forgive you and I send love to my younger self as we move forward.

With Love and Gratitude, Irms