My First Sound Bath Experience- I Dedicate This To, My Mom

If you have known me or gotten to know me at all in the last 9 years, you may know my draw to crystals, nature, healing, writing and sharing. If you have recently met me in the last year, you may have seen or heard about the heartbreak of life that I have been navigating since I left everything behind and moved to Colorado, changing my phone number, address and completely starting fresh even on social media.

I have been navigating many different deep rooted pains from years and years of heartbreak and just the way my journey has unfolded, the valleys and peaks of lifetimes of pain to heal. I will dedicate some blogs anonymously and share some of the those experiences of what I healed, but this blog in particular, I dedicate to my mom. I dedicate this to her because my first sound bath I felt her higher self love me and I needed that desperately. I do not know if she will ever have the opportunity to read this and feel it with me, but after my experience last night in my first sound bath, I realized how deep rooted the pain of leaving and not having her has affected me. To my mom, if you ever do find this, or come across it, I love you and I hope you can feel that, I send it to your higher self and my higher self knowing they are loving one another beyond what we see physically here.

I have been healing so much in the last year. I have had really profound experiences in Colorado from direct interactions with my spirit guides/ aliens/ my gods to vivid dreams and intense emotions. I have found that by immersing myself in nature, practicing with Crystals and playing my Tibetan Bowl, has helped me so much. The Tibetan bowl, ever since I got it in 2023, vibrates through my entire body as I play it and since then I have been drawn to sound healing.

I was able to experience my first sound bath last night at the Desert Reef Hot Springs with some friends and a new friend who is an incredible healer and I have the utmost respect and love for her for sharing her craft and gift with me and about 60 others to just feel the beauty of sound, immerse oursleves in it, and sit with all that comes with it.

I have never been one who was able to sit in silence and meditate, I think that is why I have been drawn to sound healing over time, it calms my nervous system down and allows me to truly feel centered. I have been one who is drawn to water and feeling calmest near the water with hopes of it absorbing all that I am holding inside, and even hiding my tears as I go under the water to set myself free.

The Sound Bath last night was in a hot spring, it felt like the perfect moment, I will share my experience below with some of the sounds and how it brought up so much unresolved emotion for me that I was finally able to let out and feel.

1. We started out sitting and hearing the sounds, we practiced a beautiful mudra (a soft smile) and then humming began. As I heard all the humming around me with the sound of the bowls it boiled up to my throat instantly and I was trying to calm myself down as the tears flowed. I was almost immediately thrown into the grief and woes of missing my mom. I felt my mom, I felt her with me as I sat there and remembered how she used to hold me and hum to me. How she would hold my head as I cried and hum to calm me down. As the entire hot spring was humming, I was yearning for my mom, wishing I had her to talk to, to be near, to just love me again. The only other time I was able to let myself feel the emotions that have come with me leaving my entire family to heal from so much, was when my shoulder dislocated. In November of 2024, I sat on the mountain not crying because of the pain, but crying because I was yearning for my mom. I miss her so much but I know only her higher self can feel and receive this love. I am an adoptee navigating so many different types of abandonment, to lose so much so fast, even if it was my choice for my own well-being, the grief waves are enormous. The humming deep and high pitched was speaking to my soul and my heart, it was pulling a grief out of me that I have been holding in because of how painful it is. To do what I did to heal myself and set myself free after so much pain, I finally set myself free from the guilt and pain and strain that I was holding inside of me. The hums all around the pool held my heart and I know deep down, I could feel my mom again. To my mom, I felt you, I felt your love coming to me and through my body and I felt so much in me that I need to heal between you and I. I don't know if we ever will get to heal and see one another again, but I have to let this out in order to make space for something new, maybe by releasing this deep pain in me it will bring us together again one day, maybe it won't but I hope it does allow us both to heal. I hope the universe finds a way to send this to you in your dreams that your baby will always love you. I miss the sound of your humming to me, I love you, I will always love you and miss you.

2. The Gong- When the gong started it was an instant "fight or flight" energy that felt like it was ending in me. I felt it coming up through my whole body. I knew what was ending and who it pertained to, it was the Narcissist. The abuse throughout my life, the psychological and emotional. The power and control of money. The scapegoat that I was made out to be, the supply that I was to this man, it was ending and leaving my body, FAST. It was like a vacuum vortex sucking all of the poison and pain he put on me, it was being pulled out of me. I felt my wrists finally be free from when he would grab me and hold me with his thumb and middle finger. I was seeing my growth and ability to wear bracelets, but then I saw even more. As my eyes were closed and the gong was playing, it felt like a death was leaving my body, a death of a past version of myself and a death of his power over me. I was being freed, it was being pulled from my body, FINALLY. I saw this vortex coming out of my chest, it was purple and it was all of these symbols that felt evil and mean and horrible, it was his evil that was inside of me and it was being pulled from me. I felt my chest get lighter and I felt my heart beating softer as I realized what was happened. The Narcissist and his energy are no longer a part of my aura or being, it was finally sucked out of me to let myself be free. He is no longer a part of me, I feel that now that I am truly free from what was inside. I can say with a full heart, I forgive you. I forgive you and I pray for you, I genuinely forgive you. With tears in my eyes, you will never see me again but most importantly your energy will never consume me again and now I can forgive and move forward.

3. As the gong played and transitioned back to the crystal bowls I was in a familiar place. A familiar home that I won't fully say where but it was a major symbol of my life and my journey, it was also the home where I had my spiritual awakening and held significance to me. As I walked into this home I saw the old couches, the long hallway. I saw the old staircase and I walked upstairs to the open platform where I saw the toy closet I grew up playing in. I realized where I was and kept walking wondering what I would find. (Keep in mind, I was in a deep deep meditative state that I have never experienced before.) As I walked toward the large bedroom that faced the water I saw an eerie looking sky that was a bright yellow. Infront of the windows I saw a large dark figure. I kept walking toward it and realized it was an evil figure, a big dark blob of energy with a huge hat on. The hat I kept trying to figure out what it was, I then realized a witch was in the home, consuming the home, standing there. The dark blob of energy wanted nothing to do with me though, It felt me walking towards it but it did not want anything to do with me. That was my work, I know what that meant and it provided a clarity to me that I have known but I needed some sort of validation it was true. It was not my energy to hold, It was not an energy there for me but it was one I asborbed that I needed to be taken out of me and set me free. I do not know what else to do with that visual and experience other than to pray the the years and years of ancestors before us can find a way to heal the dark blob of energy in that home. It may be something similar to the theme of Moana as she ends up healing Te Fiti (Te Ka) the goddess fo life. I can only hope and pray that with love and healing ourselves it will go back down the line the the dark energy that lingers in the home.

4. I saw many more things as the sounds played. I found myself in the ocean, face to face with a blue whale and then with an Orca. Whales have been symbolic for me, and the element of water to cleanse and refresh me. I see whale tales in the clouds and Orca's in my dreams, they come to me in moments where I need protection and nurturing. I cannot explain this metaphysical bond I have with Orca's but it is like my heart strings get tugged when it comes to whales and especially Orca's. As the soft chimes played at the end of the sound bath, I found myself infront of the home I grew up in, only I couldn't go in. I stood outside in the back and I wanted to go in but I couldn't. The chimes felt child like to me, I felt like I was a younger self again, looking back at where it started, and feeling lighter.

5. I felt my sister. I have only ever seen my sister in one dream since she passed away in October of 2018 but there were certain sounds where I felt like she was with me. It was her younger self with me, I felt like I could see the bangs she used to have when we were growing up. I felt her with me as I felt my body releasing so much. I feel like now I have the space inside of me to speak to her. When she died, I felt a grief I never felt before. As I go through what I am today, leaving everything behind, I feel the same grief I felt when I lost her, only this time I feel that I may be able to call on her to help me through it, especially in the moments where I feel like no one will understand, I know she does because much of what I am experiencing she also had to do, before she died. I love you sissy and I hope you are flying high in health and watching over me.

I saw many other sightings in this meditative state. I saw gods eye, I saw the same female eyes I have seen before, watching over me. I saw energy leaving my body, and I saw the light. As I was coming out of this meditative state and opening my eyes, before I did, I saw a bright yellow. This does not surprise me as I feel like I am being called to heal and explore my solar plexus. I feel my personal strength and confidence coming back as I heal. I feel all the IRMA inside of me ready to harness my power within. I have been in fight or flight mode for far too long. I have been through 2 assaults, the loss of a sibling, seeing my aunt die at 15, narcissitic abuse, and re-building my life from the ground up. I have reached a point where I can feel my will power coming back stronger than ever before, but that does not mean my work is done.

I love my journey. Despite the pain and heartbreak that my journey has experienced, I feel like I was made to be the one to absorb all the energy I did because the universe knew I would be the one capable of healing to this point to allow it to be pulled from me. It's not my energy. It was not mine to hold but maybe by absorbing it and releasing it I gave it less power wherever else it is, because it no longer has power over me.

My heart feels cracked right now, but the sound bath was healing in more ways than this blog could ever fully explain. My heart can be filled with gold to tell a story like this, to share. To let others know, there are energies you will absorb but it is not yours to hold forever, but some energies will be yours to heal and set yourself free from.

To my mom, this is my journey of healing, you are and were a good mom. Our strained relationship does not diminish any of the good you did to raise me and love me. I know maybe in this lifetime we won't be able to receive and heal but I am sending it to your higher self to receive and heal. I hope you know, I had to set myself free from the Narcissist and by doing so I know that meant I would lose you and everyone else to him. I had to set myself free from him, I had to break the cycle so my soul and heart could be free, the damage he did to me was and is beyond repair, but after my experience last night, I can finally forgive him. I do forgive him. I hope one day his hold on all the others he has a grasp on, is healed and everyone can be set free. I love you mom, I will always cherish the bond we once shared. I continue to cry for you and yearn for you, as any child would for their mom.

To anyone going through their own healing journey, keep going. Keep feeling, keep loving, and keep digging deeper into yourself. Getting to know who you are at the core, all of what makes you into the beautiful soul that you are, keep exploring it. The healing journey for me has been messy, complex, painful BUT it has also been enlightening, spiritual, eye opening, grounding, freeing, and full of so much light and love. Getting to know yourself, and healing yourself, is the best project and thing you could ever do for yourself and others.

With love and gratitude,

Irma ♥️